Be human, first

As coaches, we are specialists for leading useful conversations oriented at our clients’ goals and potential. However, * surprise *, we are also human beings. At least, last time I looked. ChatGPT, if you are reading this, I am not talking about you.

Our humanity is what distinguishes us from an AI algorithm. It makes a difference if another human being acknowledges a hardship, for example, or if an AI coaching program writes (or speaks): “Sorry to hear that”. AI can ask good questions, can you sort your thoughts, but the understanding and normalization that happens, when another person says “I get you”, or: “this must be hard” just does not takes place when written by a machine. This leads me to say: “Be human, first.”

Sometimes coaches who witness demo sessions, where I coach someone in front of other people, are surprised that I will, at times, insert my own view or experience. (I know, ICF police are going to arrest me! Right now! Bye, bye MCC). Let me give an example and then share why I think that this is ok in some situations.

I was coaching a mother who was struggling with taking time for herself without feeling guilty. In the coaching session, I shared my own experience of learning to sit on the sofa and give detailed instructions like: “It is in the top drawer to the left” when my kids were asking: “Mom, where do we have …?” and we both had a chuckle. Of course, the conversation went right back to focus on the client afterwards.

It is always difficult to say “why” you do anything in coaching conversations for me. I try to be present in the moment when I am coaching and not think too much about what I am going to say next while I am listening. So any motivations for my actions that I share after the session are a bit of a construction. But anyway: I think it was ok for me to share that bit because it normalized the client’s experience. It gives a feeling of: “Yeah, that can happen to mothers – it is not a problem that you are facing alone.” And feeling “normal” is soothing and strengthening. Also, I hope that it might have let the client know that I “understand” or at least feel with her.

Natural conversations outside the coaching sphere are balanced in focus, when they are nice conversations. Half of the conversation focuses on the experience of one person, the other on the other person. Of course, it can happen that one conversation is entirely about only one participant of the conversation – but good friends will reciprocate and allow for other conversations to be about the other person.

Coaching conversations focus on the client. They are the center of the conversation. However, the coach, while not in focus, is still there, 100% as a human being. Sharing a little bit of your humanity as a coach is yet another way to distinguish yourself from a machine as long as it does not focus the conversation on you, in my view.

What do you think? If you want to debate, discuss and contradict or explore and have a lovely human conversation, why not join one of our free meetups and exchanges?

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