My client arrives frazzled - what do I do?

My client is frazzled – what do I do?

Your client arrives at the zoom meeting starts talking right away. They are visibly distressed and they are talking very fast. They have just experienced something that is annoying them, something that threatens them or something that is just emotionally overwhelming. When clients are in this state, it is really hard for them to think slowly and critically and to make carefully deliberated decisions. They aren’t actually even in a state where a coaching process might make sense.

So what can you do (as a friend or as a coach) to help in these situations? Let’s start from what you should not do either as a friend or as a coach. While it may seem empathetic and normalizing to chime in and join the lament or complaint, it's actually the least that people need in these kinds of situations. You’d just be fanning on the flames.

My friend and colleague Chris Bekker always uses the metaphor of someone sitting in a hole and can’t get out.  When you are trying to help them up, you won’t jump in with that person and find yourself in the same helpless situation. So therefore, when somebody is visibly distressed, don't emulate or join them in their feelings if you can.

As human beings we are social animals. We co-regulate our feelings. Imagine being at a party with someone who is really sad. It will be a lot harder to have fun and feel lightness. I don’t think we need psychological concepts to explain this much, as “herd animals” most of us are simply attuned to how others feel. It is actually pretty hard not to join in a prevalent emotion.

However, the psychological concept of co-regulation might come in handy here as a shorthand to describe this experience. It refers to the process by which two people jointly manage and soothe emotional states through their interaction.

If the coach stays calm, warm and responsive and is not sucked into the fast frenzy of the clients preoccupations, if they stay outside the hole, to speak with Chris, the clients are invited to “borrow” that calm. They become a safe haven in which the client can start to calm down and think about how to move forward.

Since most coaches choose the profession because they like people and because they are naturally empathetic and want to help, it may be even a little more difficult for us to keep our calm when we encounter frazzled clients. Here are some things that may help:

• Continue breathing

• Accept the situation and don’t try to change it – the more you try to change the client’s feeling, the more they might want to make you understand by displaying it ever more strongly

• Hold your assumption that the client is resourceful and whole close to your heart

• Remember that feelings are fleeting – yes, the client is distressed now, but they won’t be in a bit

• Be the “anchor”, the still in the storm, the oak tree – whatever metaphor works for you

Many techniques from Mindfulness are really helpful here. By staying calm, you allow the client to co-regulate with you, rather than you co-regulating with them. Many psychological and coaching approaches have captured this wisdom and I’ll mention some examples (without subscribing to these theories, but just in case you like them, you might explore): Polyvagal theory talks about the practitioner activating the client’s vagal pathway or social engagement system which counteracts the stress response. Attachment theory speaks about secure attachment which forms when a caregiver provides comfort and safety in times of distress. Social Baseline Theory posits that being alone is a biologically costly stage and that we expect, as a baseline, to be with supportive others. Goleman’s concept of emotional intelligence mentions “limbic resonance” which explains how emotional states can synchronize.

However you conceptualize it, it is helpful for coaches (and anyone else dealing with people) to have ways to stay calm in the face of turmoil.

If you ever feel turmoiled, have a question or just want to chat with a bunch of chill and lovely people, why not come to one of our free meetups and exchanges?

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