What to change when change is hard

What to change when change is hard

Sometimes change is hard: we have developed a habit that we don’t like, we have tried to change something unsuccessfully multiple times and have given up or others oppose the change that we would like to make. It’s usually the job of a coach to support clients to make desired changes. In the above cases (and others) it can be especially tricky. Here are some ideas on what to try and what to avoid when change is hard.

Don’t invite expectations of rapid change

When clients see coaches’ websites promising fast results or hear stories of other clients whose lives were turned around “immediately”, they will naturally develop an expectation that it will be the same for them. If that does not happen, they might blame themselves (thereby reducing the chance of making the desired change) or the coach (thereby reducing the chance of a fruitful collaboration). Make sure that you communicate that every case is different and avoid comparisons between clients.

Invite the client to explore their environment

Many coaching approaches assume that it is necessary for the client to “take responsibility” or “be held accountable” for their own change process. They should only work on what they can control and only set goals that they can achieve by themselves. This view of clients as individuals almost as if they did not live in relationships, a context or environment can rob clients of resources that may facilitate change.

Many “wicked” change problems can be made easier by inviting the client to explore what changes in their environment might support them. For example, if a chocolate lover wants to lose weight, it might be good to explore how their home environment might be tweaked to make it easier (hide the chocolate, don’t buy it in the first place, etc.).

Also, exploring how other people may notice the first signs of the desired change and how they might respond can set in motion a positive spiral. When I ask clients about the first sign that others will notice that will tell the others that my clients are enjoying their work more, I often hear: “They will see me smile walking through the door.” I then follow up by asking about what the client’s response will be and what the response of the others will be to their response. Thereby the client can imagine themselves in a context, in their relationships and daily lives – this imagined scenario can develop a “pull” toward acting differently.

Realize that sometimes it’s not about the client changing

We are who we are through others and sometimes others make our desired change really, really hard. Let’s say someone wants to feel more self-confident but lives in an environment that constantly puts them down or they live in a culture in which the change that they are trying to make is frowned upon. I have coached people in these situations and in my view, it would be a mistake to coach the client as if change was solely in their own hands. There are many scenarios to think about, from asking the people in the environment to change to ignoring them and finding support elsewhere or even leaving harmful relationships.

I guess what I am saying is that we should not pretend that people exist in a vacuum. As coaches, we hopefully provide a nourishing environment in our coaching sessions, but that does not mean we should ignore the other places and relationships the client finds themselves in. The client’s environment can be help or hindrance – in order to either make use of the resource or help clients overcome the obstacles the environment might pose, we need to invite clients to talk about it.

If you would like to explore how to do that, talk about these or other musings around coaching or learn about our classes, why not come to one of our free meetups and exchanges?

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